


In Your Own Sweet Time

by shaggydogstail



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Kink/Cliche Challenge, M/M, Trope Subversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 10:05:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8281997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaggydogstail/pseuds/shaggydogstail
Summary: Sirius is in love, James is violent, and Remus is an idiot.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for the "Subverting the Fandom Challenge" at [](http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=the%20kennel)[](http://www.livejournal.com/users/the%20kennel/)the kennel .
> 
> My clichés of choice were: Gryffinwhore!Sirius, cheating!Sirius, too-emotionally-stunted-to-see-what's-staring-him-in-the-face!Sirius, crybaby!Remus, and lovesick-and-pining!Remus. So there's like, all of them, but the other way around. No clichés were harmed in the making of this fic.

Remus Lupin was a practical sort of a boy. He was sensible about getting his homework done, because he knew he couldn’t wing it at the last minute like James and Sirius. He was realistic about his career prospects, aspiring to maybe, if he was lucky, clean tables at the Leaky Cauldron when he left school or maybe find the odd spot of freelance something-or-other. He recognised that being unable to prevent himself from ducking instinctively whenever he so much as caught sight of a bludger was reason enough not to bother trying out for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. He was never what you might call a dreamer.

He was equally pragmatic in his approach to romance. James was the romantic one, fixating on a passionate love with Lily Evans from sometime toward the end of their fourth year onwards, and pursuing her relentlessly until she gave in to his dubious charms, barely pausing to consider the prospect that his quest would be unsuccessful. Peter, who was less prone to the dramatic, went on dates occasionally and would one day find himself a quiet, sweet girl, probably a Hufflepuff. They’d get married and grow old together in a little cottage with roses around the door and raise a brood of adorable, round-faced little scamps. Sirius, who never showed a great deal of interest in his coterie of admirers, was probably just waiting for someone who he felt was good enough for him to come along. When she did, there would be an epic, whirlwind romance, full of passion and danger. Remus had found the stash of romantic novels that Sirius kept hidden in the bottom of his trunk and secretly suspected that Sirius’ ideal girl was anyone he had to rescue from a dragon. He’d probably propose to the fair maiden on the spot, provided she had a nice nose and was someone his parents wouldn’t approve of.

Remus knew that none of this was for him. There would be no marriage in his future, no grand romance and certainly no babies. He was grateful for what he had, and knew better than to push his luck. Love was out of the question. Lycanthropy aside, he really didn’t think he had the constitution for it.

Sex, on the other hand, was a different matter. Werewolf though he might be, Remus was a perfectly healthy teenage boy and, well, he had urges. The urge to get laid featuring prominently among them.

He’d never consciously set out to be such a—such a slut, really, but when he thought about it rationally, it suited him fine. There were plenty of opportunities for brief encounters behind the greenhouses or in empty classrooms with girls, and—on very rare occasions that he was loath to admit to—boys, who wanted nothing more than a quick release and a bit of fun. There was no need for pretence or thinking about the future, and Remus appreciated the honesty of it.

Some of Remus’ liaisons were one-offs, but there were a few people he met up with on a regular, or semi-regular basis. Sally Jennings, a Ravenclaw sixth year with sparkling eyes and a minor bondage fetish. Tallania White, who lost her place as Seeker on the Hufflepuff team due to a permanent wrist injury but could more than make up for it in any manner of other ways. Havelock Hastings, another Ravenclaw with blonde curls that tickled Remus’ thighs every time he went down on him. Remus felt a certain affection for all of them, but the relationships never went further than casual friendships interspersed with fucking.

And then there was Sirius.

It was a Hogsmeade weekend, the day of James’ eighth-and-still-counting date with Lily and Peter’s second with Tallania (it didn’t occur to Remus to be jealous—that wasn’t how it worked). Sirius had seemed odd all day, a little distant, preoccupied with something he obviously didn’t want to talk to Remus about. Remus wondered if he was jealous that James was spending so much time with Lily or perhaps just disappointed at having to make do with just his company all day long, although if he was honest, Sirius had been out of sorts for weeks. He hoped there was nothing seriously wrong with him.

‘Bored again, Padfoot?’ he asked as Sirius stared vacantly into the distance during lunch at the Three Broomsticks.

‘What?’ Sirius blinked, looking surprised that Remus had spoken to him. ‘Yeah…No! Um, do you mind if we go back? I’ve had enough of hanging around here today.’

Remus shrugged and stood up to leave. He’d bought everything he needed and with any luck they’d make it back just as Sally was finishing the detention she’d earned after Professor Flitwick found her knickers behind a suit of armour in the Charms corridor. Remus resolved to check the Map when they got back to Gryffindor tower—he’d need something to cheer him up after putting up with Sirius’ moping most of the day.

Sirius didn’t speak to him on the way back to school, seeming distant and preoccupied. By the time they’d made it the whole way back to the dormitory in complete silence, Remus decided it was about time he made the effort to jolt his friend out of his reverie.

‘So you’re just fed up at having to spend the day with me, then?’ Remus teased.

‘No!’ exclaimed Sirius, looking offended. ‘Of course not. I mean, I like you, Moony.’

‘Er, good,’ said Remus, a little taken aback. ‘I like you too, Padfoot.’

‘Do you?’ Sirius’ face lit up and he looked happier than he had all day. ‘Do you really?’

‘Of course.’ Remus smiled at Sirius in what he hoped was a reassuring manner, though he really didn’t understand why Sirius was acting like this. ‘We’re friends aren’t we?’

‘That’s not what I mean,’ Sirius told him. ‘I mean do you…could you…because I think I might…’ He let out a sigh of frustration. ‘Oh, fuck it.’

Before Remus could ask what the heck Sirius was babbling on about, Sirius leant over and kissed him on the mouth. It was rather an awkward kiss, and Sirius dribbled on him a bit and got elbows in unfortunate places, but it was undeniably pleasant nonetheless.

‘Um…’ Sirius broke off the kiss and looked at Remus, uncharacteristically shyly. He seemed to be blushing slightly, and shifting awkwardly from one foot to the other. It was all terribly sweet.

‘So,’ Remus began with a smile, ‘it’s like that is it?’

‘Ah, yeah,’ said Sirius with a shaky laugh. ‘That is, if it’s OK with you?’

‘It’s more than OK with me,’ said Remus as he pulled Sirius closer to kiss him again. Sally Jennings could wait.

~*~

Afterwards, when Remus was hurriedly smoothing the creases out of his robes as the sounds of James and Peter charging up the stairs echoed around the dormitory, he wondered if getting off with Sirius might not have been an incredibly stupid idea. There was a reason why ‘don’t shit on your own doorstep’ had become a popular expression, and the anxious look on Sirius’ face as Remus darted back at the first signs of their friends returning made Remus wonder if Sirius regretted it as much as he did.

Still, there was no point dwelling on these matters. Sirius wasn't be the first unfortunate sexual encounter Remus had ever had and he probably wouldn’t be the last. Best to forget about it and move on. Remus arranged a meeting with a rather precocious Gryffindor fifth-year for the following weekend, and elected to put the whole business behind him.

It wasn’t the most satisfying of liaisons—too much enthusiasm and tongue—but Remus wasn’t exactly complaining as he ducked into a secret passageway outside a Transfiguration classroom on his way to the library, where he intended to Sit Quietly and Look Innocent until the others come looking for him. The last thing he expected as he ducked to avoid a cobweb was to be accosted by Sirius, who looked flushed and breathless.

‘There you are,’ said Sirius, looking for all the world as though bumping into Remus in a dirty back corridor was the greatest thing that had happened all week. ‘I’ve been looking all over for you.’

‘Um, why?’ asked Remus. But Sirius seemed more interested in grabbing Remus by the waist and pushing him up against the wall than answering him.

‘Had to use the Map in the end,’ Sirius continued, rubbing his nose against the sensitive spot beneath Remus’ ear. It tickled. ‘What were you doing hanging around the Transfiguration department with Sylvia Erskin?

‘Um…’ Remus stuttered. _Receiving a not entirely satisfactory blow-job_ would have been an honest answer, but it seemed a bit inappropriate now that Sirius’ hands were working their way inside his robes. ‘Prefect stuff,’ he improvised, which wasn’t exactly a lie: Sylvia had agreed to swap patrol duties for that week.

‘Boring,’ muttered Sirius, and Remus didn’t get a chance to agree as Sirius kissed him soundly. There was no time for any more questions after that.

~*~

Remus had a lot of questions in the weeks that followed, but he barely dared consider them himself, far less ask Sirius. In truth, this…thing with Sirius left him horribly confused. He and Sirius never discussed it openly, not that this was particularly unusual, as Remus wasn’t in the habit of having deep and meaningful conversations with any of the people he got off with, but then what was happening between him and Sirius wasn’t exactly like that either.

They didn’t have sex all that often—it was hard to get away from James and Peter and find somewhere private, but they did manage it on at least a semi-regular basis. The sex itself was good—it was bloody brilliant, actually—but there was more to it than that. Sirius had changed as well.

Sirius had always been a good friend, someone Remus enjoyed having around and felt he could (for the most part) trust implicitly. But he’d always been a touch abrasive, rather rough around the edges. Lately though, Sirius had softened slightly, become more affectionate. He’d sneak into the bathroom just as Remus was finishing brushing his teeth, just to kiss him goodnight, and Charmed Remus’ textbooks to remind him to take a break from studying every hour. Remus found peppermint toads hidden under his pillow at night, and a new quill tucked inside his schoolbag the day after his old one broke. (Even if it was Charmed to spell out ‘Sirius Black has the finest arse in Gryffindor’ the first time Remus used it, he still appreciated the sentiment.) Sirius even deigned to help Remus revise for his N.E.W.T.s, secretly holding his hand underneath a pile of textbooks and explaining the finer points of advanced Transfiguration with care and patience that Remus hadn’t known Sirius was even capable of possessing.

It was all a bit confusing, but very enjoyable nonetheless. Remus was flattered by Sirius’ attention, and the way Sirius’ face lit up whenever he walked into the room did all sorts of strange things to Remus’ stomach, making him feel hot and a little bit sick. Which ought to have been _horrible_ , but Remus found he sort of liked it really.

Still, he didn’t really expect it to last—Sirius always got bored so easily, school would be over in a matter of weeks, and it wasn’t as though Sirius had made any sort of promises to him. So Remus didn’t really see any reason to change his own behaviour particularly, and he kept on meeting Hufflepuffs of easy virtue in the broomsheds and behind the greenhouses for the occasional quickie, although these trysts were both less frequent and less enjoyable than they had been before.

He worried, sometimes, that perhaps he shouldn’t be seeing other people at the same time as he was seeing Sirius, but it wasn’t as though it meant he spent any less time with Sirius—it usually only happened when Sirius was with James or in detention anyway. Besides, it wouldn’t be a good idea to get too dependent on Sirius, and it wasn’t as though Sirius ever asked if he was seeing anyone else.

Remus convinced himself that he wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that his own creeping feelings of guilt were misplaced. His capacity for self-delusion was staggering, really. Even so, sooner or later the truth was bound to catch up with him, and in this case it came in the shape of James Potter’s fist.

Remus was on his way back to the dormitory after a lunchtime quickie and counselling session with Olga Maitlin, a seventh year Hufflepuff. He’d been reluctant to agree to the date as Sirius had hinted strongly that he might be in the mood for a kitchen raid that afternoon, but Olga was suffering terribly from exam stress, and her boyfriend had just dumped her for her best friend, so Remus hadn’t had the heart to say no. He’d just snuck out of the Ancient Runes storecupboard, smoothing down his hair with the fingers of one hand as he spelled the scent of Olga’s perfume out of his robes with the other, and the last thing he expected was to be confronted with the raging fury of an indignant best friend.

‘You fucking WANKER, Lupin,’ thundered James as his knuckles made contact with Remus’ nose, sending him staggering backwards.

Remus collapsed against a suit of armour, sending chunks of metal clattering across the old stone floor. The sharp edge of a breastplate jabbed into the small of his back and the sword thwacked him painfully on his left foot. Remus struggled to pull himself upright, reeling with shock and giddy from the blow to the face. Blood spurted out of his nose and down his robes, his head was throbbing, and he could see stars. ‘Wha–?’

‘I ought to rip you limb from fucking limb, you sorry little fucking pondlife,’ said James, grabbing Remus by the front of his robes and ramming him up against the wall. The back of Remus’ skull scraped painfully over the rough-hewn stone, but he was already in so much pain that he scarcely noticed.

‘I—I don’t understand,’ gasped Remus, genuinely confused and frightened.

‘You were just shagging Olga Maitlin, weren’t you?’ snarled James, his eyes practically bulging with fury behind his glasses.

‘Um…’ Remus faltered: they hadn’t actually shagged, but that seemed like a rather academic distinction, all things considered. Still, James being angry about that didn’t make any sense; it wasn’t as though James wanted Olga himself, not when he was so happy with Lily. ‘So?’

He hadn’t meant to sound so provocative, and instantly regretted it the moment James rammed him against the wall again, leaning in close so that the air was crushed out of Remus’ lungs. James’ face contorted into an ugly sneer as he hissed into Remus’ ear. ‘ _Sirius told me_.’

James let go of Remus then with a snort of disgust and turned away, running his fingers through his hair as he always did when he was upset. Remus wasn’t sure whether James’ anger was exhausted, or whether James had let go of him simply because he feared he might actually kill him if he didn’t. Remus closed his eyes and leant back, panting for breath and rubbing the aching bruises on his ribs and face. When he got his breath back a little and forced open his eyes, James was pacing back and forth in front of him, apparently desperately trying to order his emotions.

‘Sirius told me,’ James said, not looking at Remus. ‘About…about you and him. What you’ve been…you know.’ James took a deep breath and looked down at his feet.

‘And you…weren’t happy about that?’ asked Remus tentatively. 

‘I was a lot less unhappy about it than I am now!’ said James, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘You know, I only came looking for you because Sirius was worried you’d be upset that he’d told me about it—he seemed to think you were shy or something. I _was_ going to tell you I was OK about it and you didn’t have to keep it secret to spare my feelings.’ James turned and looked at Remus in disgust. ‘Only it wasn’t me you were keeping secrets from, was it? You just didn’t want Sirius to know you’d been carrying on behind his back.’

‘That’s…that’s not true,’ said Remus, clasping the bridge of his nose. He felt sick and confused, and every part of him _ached_.

‘Don’t LIE to me!’ shouted James, his anger flaring up again. ‘It’s bad enough that you had to go and make Sirius gay, without cheating on him as well.’

‘I didn’t make Sirius gay!’ Remus shot back.

‘Really?’ James folded his arms in front of his chest and glared at Remus. ‘So falling in love with one of your best friends _isn’t_ gay now?’ he asked sarcastically. Remus opened his mouth to answer, but James cut him off before he could get the words out. ‘You know what?’ he spat. ‘You can spare me any more of your crap. Just keep out of my sight. And stay away from Sirius.’

Then with one last disgusted look at Remus, James turned on his heel and marched out of the corridor.

Remus spent the rest of the day skulking around the castle and quiet spots out by the lake. He managed to repair his broken nose and get most of the blood out of his robes, and by evening the physical pain had gone. It didn’t make him feel any better, though. In one of his more hysterical moments it occurred to him to track James down and get him to punch him again, since at least a spot of physical agony would take his mind of the gut-wrenching guilt he felt. James obviously hated him now, and no doubt Sirius would too. Remus couldn’t say he blamed them.

He skipped dinner and waited until late at night to sneak back into the dormitory under cover of darkness. James, Peter and Sirius all appeared to be asleep, and the curtains were drawn tightly around Sirius’ bed. Remus stopped and stood at the side of Sirius’ bed, trying to pluck up the courage to pull back the curtains and talk to Sirius, to apologise, to explain, anything. But he couldn’t find the words to do it, and his nerve failed him, twisting his stomach into knots and making him feel feverish and uncomfortable. He could hear muffled sobs coming from behind the curtain, and the thought of Sirius crying into his pillow because of him was more than Remus could bear. Eventually he gave up and crawled into the safety of his own bed.

There was no way he could sleep now; his head was aching with the effort of processing everything James had said. James thought Sirius was in love with Remus. Which was…ridiculous, really. Remus found it hard to believe that Sirius could have loved him—why should he? And yet…

Slowly, everything started to fall into place. All the little things that Sirius had done over the past few weeks, the presents, the way he looked after Remus, tried to help him out. That little bit longer he’d spent lingering in the hospital wing after the last full moon, and the fact that he’d passed up a chance to go and jeer at the Slytherin team’s Quidditch practice in favour of revising Arithmancy with Remus. Sirius didn’t need to revise, Remus reminded himself—he’d obviously only done it for _him_.

It all made sense at last; the way Sirius had been acting not like his old friend, or like a convenient shag—Sirius had acted like his _boyfriend_. He’d been a nice boyfriend too, if Remus hadn’t been to stupid to see it, he realised through a fog of wretched guilt and self-pity. There was no way Sirius would ever forgive him now, Remus was certain of that—he didn’t deserve to he forgiven, and he definitely didn’t deserve Sirius. Only now he realised how much he wanted him, but it was too late.

And Remus knew he had no-one to blame but himself.

~*~

Kept awake half the night by anxiety and self-recrimination, Remus slept late the following morning. He was relived to find that everyone else had already gone down to breakfast when he got up, and would have skipped the meal himself if he wasn’t so hungry after missing dinner the night before. Unwilling to face Sirius, he hoped they’d all have left the Hall when he got down to breakfast.

Luck was not on his side, and Remus almost ran into his friends as they left the Great Hall. Sirius looked dreadful—his skin was pale, and there were dark circles beneath his eyes, which were red and bloodshot. He was flanked on either side by James, looking for all the world like an ill-groomed, bespectacled guard dog, and Lily, who had her hand on Sirius’ shoulder and glowered at Remus, _how could you?_ written all over her face. Peter lagged behind, looking like he’d rather be almost anywhere else in the world, and refusing to meet Remus’ eye.

Remus opened his mouth to speak to Sirius, but the moment he met Sirius’ eye, and saw the pain writ large across his face, his nerve failed him. What could he ever say to make up for hurting Sirius so badly? He found himself rooted to the spot, gaping at his friends gormlessly until James dragged Sirius away, Lily and Peter following in their wake, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, ‘he isn’t worth it.’

Remus was forced to agree.

The last few weeks of term were torturous. James kept a constant guard over Sirius, so that even if Remus could have plucked up the courage to speak to him, he’d have been unlikely to have found an opportunity to do so. Remus concentrated on cramming for his N.E.W.T.s and tried to avoid his friends as much as possible: he was too ashamed to face them.

The exams were mostly awful—Remus tried to console himself that the extra time he’d spent studying might compensate for how miserable and unmotivated he felt, but he wasn’t sure it helped at all. In addition to his guilt and loneliness, the knowledge that the full moon fell on the night of his final exam weighed heavy on his mind. He was certain that he’d be spending the night alone, and the fact that he probably deserved it didn’t make him feel any less hopeless about it.

To Remus’ surprise and delight, his friends seemed to have decided that he’d been punished enough. He returned to dorm room to deposit his bag after the last exam (Arithmancy—talk about ending on a low note), to find Sirius, James and Peter lounging around and chatting amongst themselves and not, as he’d expected, celebrating with the other seventh-years in the common room. He hurried to put his books away and retrieve his night things, his mind focused on getting away from his friends’ accusing stares as quickly as possible.

‘Moony!’

Remus froze with his hand on the door handle as James called him back, trying not to feel too excited about the use of his old nickname. He turned and looked back at James anxiously.

‘We’ll, um, see you at the usual time, OK?’ said James, raking his fingers through his hair and looking distinctly uncomfortable himself.

Remus couldn’t help but smile as relief flooded over him. ‘You’re still coming?’ he asked, scarcely able to believe his luck.

‘’Course,’ said James, though it was clear that he knew as well as Remus did that this was no foregone conclusion.

‘Of course,’ echoed Peter, offering Remus a sympathetic smile.

Sirius didn’t say anything.

‘I’d, um, I’d understand if you didn’t,’ said Remus, trying and failing not to address his comment directly to Sirius.

Sirius looked up and forced a smile. ‘I’ll be there,’ he said, and it was all Remus could do not to jump for joy.

‘Thank you,’ he said.

‘Right, well, I do believe there’s a party going on downstairs and we’re missing it,’ announced James. ‘C’mon Wormtail, I think there’s a couple of bottles of contraband firewhiskey down there with our names on them.’

Remus stood awkwardly by the doorway for several moments after they left, desperately searching for the right words to say to Sirius.

‘Padfoot,’ he managed at last. Sirius looked up at him, and Remus searched frantically for some clue in his expression. Sirius looked almost hopeful, and Remus feared he’d chose the wrong words and let him down again. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, feeling hopelessly inadequate. ‘I really am. I never meant to hurt you, I just… I just didn’t realise…’ Remus stumbled over the words. ‘I had no idea you felt that way.’

Sirius stared at him for what felt like an eternity, and Remus felt like he might just pass out under the intensity of his gaze. Eventually he shrugged. ‘So it was all just a misunderstanding?’

‘Um, yeah.’ Remus wished the ground would just swallow him up. _I broke his heart and the best I can do is ‘it was a misunderstanding’?_

‘’S’OK,’ announced Sirius resolutely. ‘I’ll get over it.’

‘Right.’

‘Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?’ said Sirius, with a hint of bitterness. ‘You should know.’

Remus let the gibe pass: Sirius could have said much worse. ‘I really am sorry,’ he said. ‘And I don’t want to lose you…as a friend, I mean,’ he added hastily.

‘Yeah, well, we’re still friends, yeah?’ said Sirius, though he didn’t quite look Remus in the eye. For one mad, impetuous moment Remus felt like telling him that he wanted to be much more than friends, but he knew better than to push his luck. Grateful for what he had, he smiled and said goodbye.

~*~

_Eighteen years later…_

Remus sat impassively, nursing a glass of wine as he listened to Sirius rambling on. He’d had a year to get used to what he’d been too young, too naïve, or just too plain stupid to realise all those years ago: he loved Sirius. He’d loved him then, he loved him now, and he’d never loved anyone so much in all the years they’d been apart—even when he’d hated Sirius, when Sirius had been all but dead to him.

The moment the silver phoenix had fluttered out of his kitchen three nights ago, having dropped Dumbledore’s bombshell that Sirius was coming back to him, he’d resolved to tell Sirius the truth at last. He had no idea how Sirius would take the news, and held out scarce hope of his feelings being reciprocated, but he’d lied to Sirius and to himself for long enough. If nothing else, Sirius deserved his honesty at least.

It was simple enough in theory, but in practice opening his heart to Sirius wasn’t so easy. Remus had expected that it would be difficult to find the words to express his feelings to Sirius. He hadn’t expected his main problem to be the fact that Sirius never let him get a bloody word in edgeways.

Maybe it was the effects of being stuck in that cave with no-one to talk to for weeks on end, or maybe it was Sirius’ way of coping with the horror of everything that had happened to Harry, but Sirius had hardly paused for breath, keeping up a seemingly endless stream of chatter, or ranting and raving, from the moment he opened his eyes in the morning until he fell asleep at night. Sometimes he wasn’t even quiet then—Remus would have teased Sirius that he kept yattering on even when he was asleep, but that would have meant admitting that he watched Sirius sleep. Remus knew he had it bad—at his age, that sort of behaviour was the height of ridiculousness.

Remus sighed and took another sip of wine as Sirius warmed up to the subject at hand: the indignity of being made to shake hands with Snivellus. It was an odd sort of relief to listen to him go on about Snape—Remus knew that Sirius didn’t actually care that much about Snape: hating Snape was just a habit, like biting his fingernails or doodling on scraps of parchment. Listening to Sirius come up with new and interesting synonyms for ‘greasy’ reminded him of his schooldays.

‘And do you know what, the slimy little git had the gall to look as though he was doing _me_ a favour,’ exclaimed Sirius in disgust. ‘After everything he’s done!’

‘Well, you can hardly blame him for being less than welcoming,’ sighed Remus, slipping almost unthinkingly into his ‘reasonable one’ role. ‘He has every reason to believe that we tried to kill him at school.’

Sirius stopped dead at that, and looked at Remus, startled. Remus instantly regretted having mentioned it—it wasn’t as though he was in any position to be raising recriminations from their schooldays. He wanted to apologise to Sirius, but the words died in his throat as Sirius spoke again.

‘Is that why?’ asked Sirius, looking at Remus intently, and Remus was at a loss to comprehend what he meant. Remus’ confusion must have been written all over his face, as Sirius continued. ‘You never loved me,’ he said. ‘Is that why? Because it was my fault that Snape found out about you?’

The question knocked Remus for six. In all the time he’d spent thinking about his failed relationship with Sirius, it had never occurred to him that it was because of anything Sirius had done. ‘No,’ he said, aghast. ‘No, of course not. Why would you even think that?’

Sirius dropped his gaze, looking slightly abashed, and shrugged. ‘I thought there must be a reason,’ he explained. ‘I loved you so much…I could hardly believe it when I realised that you didn’t love me back. I thought…I was sure I must have done something wrong, but I could never work out what it was.’

Remus took a deep breath. This was it: time to come clean. He reached for Sirius’ hand across the table and held it lightly. ‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ he said quietly. ‘Nothing at all. You were so good to me and I screwed it all up.’

Sirius raised his head slightly, looking sad and regretful. ‘I just…’ he started, then stumbled on the words. ‘I just wanted…’

‘I know,’ Remus assured him, rubbing his thumb over the back of Sirius’ hand. ‘I know I hurt you and I’m so, so sorry. But I did love you.’

Sirius pulled his hand away. ‘You had a funny way of showing it.’

Remus bit his lip and paused before continuing. He knew he deserved the barb, and resolved to plough on regardless. ‘I know,’ he admitted. ‘I treated you dreadfully, and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me now. I did love you, I was just too stupid to realise it. It was only after…’ Remus stopped and swallowed heavily. ‘After we broke up, that I realised how much you meant to me. And then it was too late.’

‘I’d have taken you back, you know, if you’d asked,’ said Sirius sadly. ‘I kept hoping you’d say something, but you never did.’

The revelation that he’d fucked up even more spectacularly than he’d realised, that he must have thrown away not just one chance, but _years_ of them, caused Remus another stab of pain. ‘You never said anything either,’ he shot impulsively.

Sirius almost smiled at that—at strange, rueful twist of his lips. ‘Yeah, well, you were the one that cheated on me, remember. Had to keep a bit of pride, didn’t I?’

Remus couldn't argue the point. ‘Would you really have taken me back, just like that?’ he asked, trying to suppress the flutter of hope at the hint that Sirius might give him another chance after all.

Sirius really did smile then, although he still didn’t look happy. ‘Well, I might have made you grovel a bit first.’ He picked up his wine glass and drained it, then slammed the glass back on the table and looked away.

Remus felt so sick and anxious he could barely speak, but he had to ask. ‘Is it too late to grovel now?’

‘What?’ Sirius' head whipped around and he stared at Remus, looking thunderstruck.

‘I know…I know I should have said this years ago,’ said Remus, fighting a frantic battle with his nerves to get the words out. His throat felt constricted, his palms were sweating and his heart was pounding in his chest. But he was determined to continue. ‘I should…should have said it before, and I’m sorry I didn’t, but…But I’m saying it now. I love you, and I want to be with you.’ 

Sirius stared at him in absolute horror, and Remus had the sinking feeling that he’d made another terrible mistake. ‘You can’t,’ he said slowly, shaking his head. ‘You can’t love me now.’

‘But I do,’ Remus insisted. ‘I understand if you don’t feel the same, but I do love you.’

‘You can’t,’ Sirius repeated, sounding angry now as he stood up. ‘Not now, not like this. You can’t do this to me, it isn’t fair.’

‘Sirius, I’m sorry, I–’ Remus reached out the touch Sirius’ arm, but Sirius yanked it away roughly.

‘Leave me alone,’ he snarled, before storming out of the kitchen, leaving Remus alone again, and thoroughly confused.

~*~

Remus sat staring blankly ahead of him until the kitchen grew dark. He’d told the truth at last, and he’d still managed to screw everything up. Maybe he and Sirius just weren’t meant to be together.

Eventually he heaved himself up out of his chair, and set the dirty glasses down in the sink. Too depressed to even manage a quick cleaning spell on them, he left them there and went up to bed.

Remus changed for bed and brushed his teeth in a daze, unwilling to even look at his own reflection in the mirror. He made a feeble attempt at mustering some anger at Sirius for still harbouring a grudge after all these years, but his heart wasn’t really in it. He couldn’t exactly blame Sirius for mistrusting him.

He thought at first he imagined the sound coming from the spare room, but he stopped and listened instinctively. The old wooden door didn’t exactly provide much in the way of sound insulation, and Remus could clearly hear the soft, muffled sobs coming from within. Sirius was crying. Because of him. It was all too horribly familiar, as Remus stood there in his pyjamas, remembering how he’d listened to Sirius crying himself to sleep _that_ awful day. And he remembered that he’d done nothing about it.

Sirius had said he’d have taken him back if only Remus had asked—perhaps if Remus had had the guts to go to him back then…

Determined not to let history repeat itself again, Remus screwed up his courage, and opened the door.

Sirius was curled up in a ball on the bed, with his back to Remus. He didn’t seem to notice Remus enter or hear him walk across the room, but his body stiffened visibly as Remus sat down on the bed.

‘Go away.’ Sirius sniffed into his pillow, without looking at Remus.

‘No,’ said Remus softly. ‘I left you alone before, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I’m not going to make it again.’

‘It’s too late,’ said Sirius miserably.

‘Maybe,’ conceded Remus. ‘But I never made the effort then: I’m going to fight for you now.’

Sirius turned and looked at Remus, his face streaked with tears. ‘How can you still want me?’

Remus laughed softly and lay down beside Sirius, stroking the hair back off his face. ‘Because you’re you,’ he said. ‘Because you’re clever, and brave, and kind, and the strongest person I’ve ever known. I’ll understand if you don’t want me back, because Merlin knows I’ve done precious little to deserve you, but I want you to know that I do love you.’

‘You ca–’ Sirius began, shaking his head, but Remus held a finger to his lips to hush him.

‘Don’t contradict me,’ he chastised Sirius lightly. ‘I can and I do love you. Very much.’

Sirius sniffed, and Remus almost laughed to himself that even though Sirius was blotchy-faced and snotty, he was still the most wonderful thing Remus had ever seen. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes,’ Remus told him, and when Sirius’ eyes lit up, showing a glimpse of hope and affection, he decided to take his chance. He lent over and kissed Sirius softly on the lips.

Relieved that Sirius didn’t flinch or push him away, Remus kissed him again, pressing soft butterfly kisses all over his face, not wanting to push Sirius, but trying to comfort him by kissing away his tears, and soothing his worries.

Slowly, Sirius started to relax, and eventually he lifted a tentative hand to Remus’ shoulder, pulling him closer. Remus felt almost giddy with excitement and relief as Sirius’ fingers worked into his hair and he finally kissed Sirius properly, gently prising lips open and probing his mouth with his tongue.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that, just kissing and touching gently, with Sirius’ skin warm beneath his fingers and the steady beat of Sirius’ heart reverberating against his chest. It felt like hours, but Remus was sure he’d happily stay like that forever, elated to be back in Sirius’ arms again.

‘Moony,’ murmured Sirius when he drew back at last, his voice sounding tender and awestruck.

‘My Padfoot,’ answered Remus affectionately, stroking Sirius’ face. ‘That is…?’

‘ _Yes_ ,’ said Sirius resolutely. ‘You know I love you, don’t you? It was always you, Moony.’

And Remus found he _did_ know it—he’d never been more certain or more glad of anything in his life. Too happy to say anything at all, he just smiled at Sirius, feeling ridiculously soppy, and not in the least embarrassed about it.

Sirius took Remus’ hand, threading their fingers together. ‘Took us long enough, didn’t it?’ he said, with that wicked, mischievous grin that made Remus feel as daft as a schoolboy again.

‘You could say that,’ Remus agreed, laughing. ‘Still, better late than never, eh?’

Sirius didn’t answer, but the way he kissed Remus left no doubt about his agreement.


End file.
